Fuck BOTH THESE GIRLS.

Fuck the driver because her friend is being a FUCKING MORON and getting them both lost and she’s just sitting there TAKING IT. Like, oh, this is so funny! We’re going to get completely lost in a place we don’t know and you’re not even looking at the map so we don’t have any point of reference for where we are and some backwoods hick is going to cut us up and hide us in his wall cavity but YOU’RE PRETENDING NOT TO EAT MALTESERS AND THAT IS SO CHARMING!

The girl on the right must be just an acquaintance, someone the driver doesn’t know very well. The driver must still be Building the Friendship and doesn’t want to piss the other girl off because holy fuck, if that were me there I would not sit there and GIGGLE and say “I can SEE what you’re DOING you know! Which way? Right! Ahahahahahaha!”

I would LOSE MY FUCKING SHIT. I would shout at that god damn girl IF YOU WANT TO EAT THE FUCKING MALTESERS TAKE THE BAG AND EAT THE FUCKING MALTESERS. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHETHER OR NOT YOU EAT THESE GOD DAMN THINGS. WHAT I DO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT IS THAT I’M DRIVING THIS CAR AND YOU’RE BEING ABOUT AS USEFUL AS A MAN AT A LESBIAN CONVENTION, SO YOU CAN EITHER USE THE GOD DAMN MAP AND TELL ME WHERE I’M DRIVING OR I’M KICKING YOU OUT OF THIS MOVING VEHICLE AND YOU CAN TAKE THE FUCKING MALTESERS WHEN YOU HITCHHIKE YOUR WAY HOME. DO YOU WANT THAT? DO YOU FUCKING WANT THAT? I SWEAR TO GOD I WON’T EVEN SLOW THIS FUCKING CAR DOWN.

And don’t give me any of that ‘the lighter way to enjoy chocolate’ bullshit. Just don’t even fucking try.

I hope both of these girls get lost and are cut up and hidden in a wall cavity by the previously mentioned backwoods hick. I hope that backwoods hick is me.

The AAMI “What About Me” Ad

Okay, seriously, fuck this guy. Every car around him has crashed, a woman is in labour, and a corner store was partially destroyed, and all he can think about is WHERE IS MY MONEY. And what the fuck do you want money for, guy? Your car is FINE. Your car is UNTOUCHED. Your car isn’t even DIRTY. Do you so fundamentally misunderstand the concept of ‘insurance’ that you think you deserve money more than people who have damaged cars?

Are you supposed to think this guy is a complete assdouche? Are you supposed to want that car near the end to hit him? Because I wanted that. I wanted that so bad. I wanted that car to run him over and for his insurance not to pay him because WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING INTERSECTION ANYWAY, and even AAMI won’t give him money because YOUR CAR IS UNDAMAGED, YOU SEE THE WAY INSURANCE WORKS IS THAT PEOPLE PAY US MONEY AND THEN WHEN THEY DAMAGE THEIR CARS WE GIVE THEM SOME MONEY SO THEY CAN GET THEIR CARS FIXED. THAT IS HOW INSURANCE WORKS. DO YOU NOT REALISE THAT? DO YOU THINK WE JUST GIVE PEOPLE MONEY BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY DESERVE IT? OHOHO, YOU ASSDOUCHE.

And why do those Clearly Australian Freaky Aryan Girls have Asian accents? Honest to god, first few times this ad was on TV I only heard the sound and thought “Well, that sounds a bit racist.” Then, defying expectations, the clumsy map-reading tourists were AUSTRALIAN ALL ALONG, but with bizarre accents. What the fuck, AAMI?

And you know that extended bit in the other ad, the one that goes “Did you say, wasabi?” Are you trying to make fun of voice recognition software? Because I’ve only experienced voice recognition in a very limited capacity, and no, it’s not perfect, but I sure as hell don’t think you’re going to get the response you want if you’re just shouting WHAT ABOUT ME into the phone. Stop fucking singing, get over your god damn sense of entitlement, and take your stupidly clean car home before another car comes through that intersection and actually hits you.